Return to ADDvisor Volume 3 2001 Index

Special Issue September 17, 2001

In this issue:

1. Helping Children With Disaster

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HELPING CHILDREN WITH DISASTER

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In recent days, we have gotten a number of requests about how to deal with our children in the face of such terrible tragedy. The following article came from PEP (I don’t know who they are but I have included their email address). It is being printed exactly as I received it. I hope it helps.

From: PEPOffice@aol.com 

To: undisclosed-recipients:; 

Sent: Tuesday, September 11, 2001 4:49 PM 

Subject: PEP Thoughts on Helping Children With Disasters 

PEP Members: PEP Staff have just talked with two local experts in child trauma and grief. In this emergency e-mail we share their comments and suggestions for responding to children's needs during this difficult time.

Some Things to Consider When Talking About This Disaster With Your Children

ALERT***Carefully consider whether children should be watching the unfolding news coverage. Today we have witnessed dramatic and unsettling television footage. This can be very frightening to children. If you want to keep up with the breaking news, consider a pocket radio with an earphone, or catch the evening wrap up when the children have gone to bed, or consider restricting the time for disaster related family viewing. ***

Remember that children are good observers but poor interpreters. It ´s up to parents to interpret what has happened for their children. Keep them talking about what they are hearing and seeing - and don ´t forget the feelings.

Barbara Fairfield is PEP ´s longtime Adlerian Open Forum Counseling therapist and consultant. She makes the following suggestions for talking with the kids about this tragedy:

Don ´t make safety the issue - this will cause children to worry. Reassure children that they are safe now, but don ´t guarantee that you can keep them safe - Even very young children know that their parents and caretakers can ´t guarantee safety. This will cause the children to worry, and worry doesn´t help.

Barbara recommend that parents focus on two things that Alfred Adler taught:

Model for your children responsible ways to react to a disaster of this magnitude. Don ´t let the natural anxiety of this situation run your life, and avoid making yourself or the children more anxious. Consciously focus on taking care of yourself and your family during this crisis period.

Over the next few days, plan and carry out family based activities that will calm the children (cook and eat together, offer warm baths with bubbles, encourage young children to use art (drawing, clay modeling, collage) to express their emotions, older children to draw or journal their feelings.

Focus the children ´s natural anxiety to social interest, the "royal road to mental health" according to Barbara. Focus on how you as a family can be helpful to those who have been hurt. Parents can donate blood, relief agencies such as the American Red Cross will be issuing appeals for help, contributions of needed goods and family money can be sent. Include the children in the planning for your family ´s help in this disaster. If your family is religious, praying for the victims of the attack, peace, and wisdom for leaders of the countries involved will help. Help children to take the moral high ground in reacting to this disaster.

Talking about terrorist attacks:

Barbara reminds us that terrorism is about righteousness. Terrorists believe that their "cause" is more important than an individual life or property. Keep your discussions about terrorism calm and factual. Don ´t speculate in front of the children about what group could have been responsible. Children could interpret this to mean that anyone around them might be planning a similar event, or they might react with fear or negative actions toward the children from the group that you think might be responsible.

Linda Goldman, author of Life & Loss, A Guide to Help Grieving Children shared her thoughts about helping children with this tragedy:

This incident will shake both children and adults because the assumed protections of our society have so dramatically failed. Affirm to children that they are now safe, and talk about ways that the adult world was competent to take charge when the disaster happened. For instance, the other airplanes were stopped and searched, the police and fire safety people and hospitals all had their plans to help people, they have practiced, and they knew what to do - just as they would in our community.

Help children re-establish their sense of order. One way may be to try to keep to the daily routine as much as possible - this will re-create a sense of security for them.

Children ´s reactions will range widely and most of these are quite common for traumatized children. Some children will listen to your explanation and then go out to play, others will want to stay near you and talk about it for a length of time, or maybe ask you to drive them school instead of taking the bus. Your neighbor ´s child may react very differently from the way that your child processes this disaster, and that ´s okay. Reassure children that there is no "right" or "wrong" reaction, and encourage them to talk about this with you. They may need to tell their story over and over again. They may want to write or draw about where they were when they heard about the incident. Give children many ways to tell their story.

Keep your answers to their questions simple and age appropriate. Remember that young children can employ "magical thinking" and may believe that they somehow "caused" the problem. Reassure them that you know that there is nothing that they could have done to cause it or prevent it. This was an act of violence and will be punished. People are not allowed to do this to other people. There is a law against this kind of violence.

Children are going to see the imagery associated with this disaster - if not at your house or school, then at a neighbor ´s. Prepare them for it by talking about the disaster, keeping in mind the age of the child and awareness of the society around them. The images that they see later may re-trigger their initial fears and your child may experience their original reactions once again. Reassure them that the problem is being handled, point out how the people who were hurt are being cared for, the buildings are being cleared, things are getting a little better each day.

Watch for symptoms of heightened anxiety including stomachaches, nightmares, difficulty in carrying on the regular "routine". This can happen to people of all ages but children need special attention to help them through it. Bedtime needs to be reassuring, and parents should consider an increase in transition time, story telling and book reading to get the nighttime off to a good start. Secondary reactions may emerge such as fear of riding on a plane or visiting downtown Washington or New York, anticipate these and use active listening to talk them out in advance.

Last, remind children that our nation has the support of people throughout the world. They will be empathizing and praying for us, and helping us find the people responsible and stopping them. Point this out as you are reading the follow up stories in the newspaper over the next few weeks. This will reassure them that were in a basically friendly world where people work together to help solve problems.

Best wishes from the Parent Encouragement Program.

CONTACT INFORMATION

_____________________________

Alan R. Graham, Ph.D.

Bill Benninger, Ph.D.

ADDvisor.com

Voice: 1-866-ADDvisor

Fax: 847-824-2386

Email: Alan@ADDvisor.com

Bill@ADDvisor.com

Web: www.ADDvisor.com

c) Copyright 2001 Alan R. Graham and Bill Benninger. All rights reserved

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