Return to ADDvisor Volume 3 2001 Index

Number 12 June 15, 2001

1. 25 Tips on the Management of ADD in Couples

2. Resource - Answers To Distraction

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25 TIPS ON THE MANAGEMENT OF ADD IN COUPLES

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In the Spring/Summer edition of ATTENTION magazine, Ed Hallowell published the following 25 tips to help couple deal with ADHD. He offered them as guidelines could be helpful in managing the lives of couples living with ADD. Hallowell offered these tips as a starting point for discussion between members of couples. He suggested that "the best way to use them is to read them out loud, together. Pause over each suggestion and discuss whether it applies to you. As you do this, you can begin to set up your own way of dealing with ADD in your relationship. The key to it all is improving communication and resolving power struggles."

The following are Hallowell’s 25 tips:

(1) Make sure you have an accurate diagnosis.

(2) Once you are sure of the diagnosis, learn as much as you can about ADD.

(3) Declare a truce.

(4) Set up a time for talking.

(5) Spill the beans. Tell each other what is on your minds. Try to say it all before you both start reacting.

(6) Write down your complaints and your recommendations. Otherwise, you'll forget them.

(7) Make a treatment plan. Brainstorm with each other as to how to reach your goals. You may want some professional help with this phase, but it is a good idea to try starting it on your own.

(8) Follow through on the plan.

(9) Make lists.

(10) Use bulletin boards.

(11) Put notepads in strategic places.

(12) Consider writing down what you want from the other

person and give it to him or her in the form of a list every day.

(13) Take stock of your sex life in light of ADD.

(14) Avoid the pattern of mess_maker and cleaner_upper.

(15) Avoid the pattern of "pesterer"' and "tuner_outer."

(16) Avoid the pattern of the victim and the victimizer.

(17) Avoid the pattern of master and slave.

(18) Avoid the pattern of a sado_masochistic struggle as a routine way of interacting. Say, "I hate ADD," instead of "! hate you."

(19) In general, watch out for the dynamics of control, dominance, and submission that lurk in the background of most relationships where ADD is involved.

(20) Break the tapes of negativity.

(21) Use praise and encouragement frequently.

(22) Learn about mood management.

(23) Let the one who is the better organizer take on the job of organization.

(24) Make time for each other.

(25) Don't use ADD as an excuse. Each member of the couple has to take responsibility for his or her actions.

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RESOURCE - ANSWERS TO DISTRACTION

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In 1994, Hallowell and Ratey wrote a sequel to their book, Driven to Distraction, entitled Answers to Distraction. There is an excellent chapter in the book about ADD in couples.